What is life

We all have this specific picture of what we want and expect our lives to be, or at least I know I did. What’s funny about that, is literally nothing is what I expected for my adult life thus far. Not that I don’t like what my life is, I love it. My plans were specific out of high school. Go work on the rigs as a cleaner for a year, go to Australia for a year on a work visa, travel the world. Instead just out of high school, I was pregnant, Fighting through grief and terrified. Terrified because I was living with an addict, had no support, was 18 and had a minimum wage job. I didn’t think I’d make it. Now here we are, my oldest is 10.5, I have 2 more children and get married in a week. Life is changing so rapidly that sometimes I don’t know how to slow down and reflect on what I thought life would be, what life is and what we want for our future.

Sweet spot

The hottest days of summer when the sky is blue and the sun is beating warmth against your skin. The kids are laughing, the dogs are playing and for once you feel that feeling of “ I can’t believe that this is my life”. The worries of later, tomorrow or even next week don’t cross your mind. The worries of the world, the future world our children will grow up in. It doesn’t matter in that moment. All that matters is they are happy, they are safe, they are healthy and they are yours. That is the sweet spot.

Whiplash.

Have you ever lost yourself so deeply when you tried to resurface, you hit every bump and felt the impact of whiplash? Have you ever wondered your purpose? Tried to find it and lost. Can’t think straight. Chest is tight. Finally able to take a breath and end up sucked back under, but not just under… deeper. Deeper and deeper. Now the whiplash has completely frozen your progress because you can’t find relief from it.

Does life ever get easier?

Distaste

I am struggling with the passion piece of life. I feel like I have lost passion for everything. I have a distaste for socializing and doing things and while I know it is something I need to push through. Some days I just can’t. My children deserve so much better than that. But why can’t I seem to change? Why can’t I push through and go out and do things? What the hell is wrong with me?

Survival mode

Do you ever go through stages in life of literally just surviving. You aren’t really living and are stuck in this weird spot. Like you do the basic, you make it through. I find lately this is where I have been. I can’t seem to kick myself out from here either. I work out everyday, I do things fun for my kiddos and try to practice self care, but doing even a touch more than mentally, I can’t. I can’t push through it.

Maybe it’s because of what I want that I can’t seem to reach, maybe it’s because I wanted different things for my current stage of life. I love working, it’s something that makes me feel good, but I also love being home with my kids, but when you live on one income in a society like ours, it’s really hard to be a stay at home mom that can go to everything, however, I’m sure there are challenges in that too.

I need to get out of this space. Yesterday. Motherhood, life, relationship… it’s all hard

The forgotten

Do you ever have moments where you feel completely alone, forgotten about, left in your bubble. Sometimes things happen, life moves, but we stay stuck. When we are in a weird mental space, we shut the shades and forget to let the light in. In that process we often shut the doors on our people and watch from afar. And that can be extremely lonely and hard. I find I do this more often than I don’t. I am a very closed off person, I am a very independent person and don’t like to socialize much. However, sometimes I crave it but can’t seem to reach for it and thus, get forgotten,

Missing you.

In April, we had to make the devastating decision to put my best friend, my furry baby, Luna down. She had injuries happen to her back end and it was the only humane and ethical choice. She was suffering, she was in pain every single minute. But my selfish heart misses her every waking second. It has not gotten easier to be without her, it has not gotten easier to accept. I miss her more each day. I miss her kisses, her nibbles, her excitement when I would walk in the door. I miss her pathetic howls that sounded like a broken record. I miss her. I miss her so damn much it hurts. All the time. She was such a good dog and loved the kids so much. She gave us the best years. I know she’s around. I can feel her often. But I just want to give her belly rubs and tell her how much I love her. My sweet Luna bear.

Parenting adhd

Having a child with ADHD is hard. It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do. All while also having ADHD and anxiety.. our current struggle is that whenever everyone is fast asleep, he comes up and sneaks treats he doesn’t typically get. We try to limit extra sugary food because his behaviour changes. So when he knows everyone’s asleep he comes up and eats an entire bag of marshmallows, or vitamin gummies. I get told to just hide it better, trust me it’s hidden and I tell family not to bring not to bring anything it to our house and they bring more. It is such a mind boggling frustrating process.

Thoughts

Part of my reasoning for starting this blog was to give myself something. An outlet, a hobby, and it’s helped me to take more time and use my camera for the photographs I’m using. I spend so much time worrying about my kids and my partner I forget I exist too. I forget that I have a purpose, a life. That I am a human outside of mom and wife. So this is for me. 100%. Wholeheartedly. Me. I spend so much time trying to escape my reality through the books I read, through working out but that’s all I give myself. I don’t know why but I feel guilt for wanting a little bit more. It’s not that I don’t want to be with the kids or whatever but I am the only one home most of the time. Which is ok. I love my family a lot. I’d give them everything and then some. But I’m learning that I need to be ok first. So this is a part of that process for me. I also decided that even though I don’t drink a lot, I was drinking a drink or two daily that I’m stopping that, I just found that it really bothers my anxiety. If I want to be ok, I need to get my anxiety under control to. So here’s to the future and me creating the best version of me. For them.

Healthy eating

Ok I know this isn’t a typical topic but I want this space to be a sharing space. The topics won’t always be consistent. But I want to share something I struggle with when it comes to eating because maybe there’s somebody out there in the same space as I am and we could learn from each other. First, I think we all know what it takes to eat cleanly and fuel our bodies with what’s best for our bodies. I say this because even with no education on nutrition. I know what I should be eating, but why the hell can’t I get to the point of eating like that. I love chips and cheese burgers and foods that aren’t the best for me. I mean from 6 months ago I am eating way better. Like way better. But I can’t seem to want to eat fully clean. I wonder if it’s the prep work or the fact that it won’t taste like the cheese burger I’d rather be eating. Do you ever wonder if within some of those ingredients are things that keep you coming back? Because I know as convenient as packaged things are, they are not good for us.